Can't Hug Every Exceed
by LittlePrincessNana
Summary: After learning that the girl he's got a crush on joined a popular dating site, Elfman decides to make a profile of his own in hopes of catching her eye. Will it be manly enough to get the girl or will it fail in epic proportions?


**Hi everyone!Yes yes I am working on the next chapter of Sound Pod and promise to get it up as soon as it's as perfect as I want it to be for you guys.**

 **In the meantime, I bring you a small bit of odd humor featuring everyone's favorite MANLY MAN! This is a parody of the Eharmony Cat lady song. If you haven't seen it, I definitely recommend looking up "Can't Hug Every Cat" on you tube. watch?v=sP4NMoJcFd4  
**

 **Pan, thank you for being the inspiration here. This is for you!**

 **Enjoy and oh...I don't own Fairy Tail...yet.**

* * *

Elfman pushed his food around on his plate, sighing as he leaned his cheek onto his free hand. His eyes followed the busty brunette around as she animatedly talked to her team, her fan stirring the few strands of hair that had slipped free from her usual updo. She was beautiful and completely unattainable. He knew she was out of his league but it didn't make him any less attracted to her.

"And what has my big brother so in the dumps?"

The squeaky voice of his younger sister pulled his attention and he quickly dropped his hand, clearing his throat. It wasn't manly to be caught drooling over a girl, even if that girl was Evergreen. "Ah nothing," he answered quickly. "I was just uh…thinking about manly things."

Lisanna chuckled, her eyes flickering up to the second floor before they leveled back on him. "Yea, nice try Big Brother. Why don't you just ask her out?"

A blush stained his cheeks at her question and he waved his hand dismissively. "No way! She'd never go for a manly guy like me and besides I never said I like her!" There was no way in hell she'd say yes. She probably went for pretty guys like Freed or worse yet, guys like Laxus. Elfman knew he was manly but even he didn't stand a chance against THE thunder god himself. "Yea, she'd never go for a guy like me."

"You know, you could always do what she did."

His brows furrowed as he looked at the petite white haired girl. "What did she do?"

She gave him a smile, glancing up at the second floor once more before leaning in towards him. "Well, rumor has it she set up a profile on that new online dating site. Fiore Dates I think it is," she giggled softly. "You could always set up a profile and maybe then she'd notice you."

Online dating? He'd heard of it but it just never sounded very manly. _BUT! If she's on there!_ He glanced up at the second floor, his eyes locking on the brunette as his lips pursed in thought. That would mean she was actively looking for someone. It gave him hope because it solidified that she wasn't seeing anyone. "I'll do it. I'll make a manly profile and win her that way!" he said hastily as he looked at his sister.

Lisanna smiled. "Great! Do you want me or Mira to help you set it up?"

A large grin spread over his face. He was excited. This would give him a chance to prove he was manly enough for her. She would be his come hell or high water. "No. I will do it tonight and I will show you guys tomorrow!"

* * *

Elfman sat down at the lacrima computer and quickly typed in the website's name. It didn't take him long to find it. _Hmmm already three thousand members? That's crazy!_ He gave a shake of his head. That would mean he would have to make it a really good profile if he was going to catch her eye. He clicked around the site for a bit before clicking on the "Sign up today" link.

The first order of business was a user name. He hemmed and hawed as he ran names over in his head. It had to be something that was all him, something that would grab her attention. "That's it! Manly Elf!" He quickly typed it in and chose the easiest password he could remember, password. It was fool proof, no one would ever guess something that easy. The next screen made him pause. He was given the choice of two profile types, video or text. "Well…let's be a REAL MAN!" He shouted to himself and quickly clicked on the video profile link. It would save him having to choose a picture and he hated typing. It was so much easier to talk.

The prompt came up for him to connect his webcam and hit record. Quickly hooking everything up, he sat down and his mind went blank. What would he say? How could he best get her attention? He started to second guess this whole decision. He had no clue what he was doing. But if he didn't, would he stand a chance of winning her over? A link at the bottom caught his eye and he grinned. "Click here for topics you could use to make your video profile work for you." That was perfect! Maybe he could do this after all.

After a few minutes of reading over the samples given, he had the perfect plan. He would be able to show his manliness off and be sensitive at the same time. Chicks dug sensitive manly men and he just knew the Queen of the Fairies would be no exception. He was determined to make her his. Jotting down a few notes for himself, he turned the webcam on and readied himself to hit the "record" button. _Well, here goes nothing!_

Clearing his throat, he clicked record and smiled at the webcam. He saw his face pop up on the screen and decided to jump right in.

"Hi there! My name is Elfman and this is my very first video profile for Fiore Dates." _Oh, that even sounded manly!_

"I am a mage with Fairy Tale Guild. I use take-over magic. My specialty of course for those who don't know me is my Beast Soul take over! It's very manly but I can't show you here though, my sisters would get really mad at me for tearing up the house."

He shifted a little in his chair, his nerves starting to get to him. With a quick glance down at his notes, he cleared his through once again. "So, I guess I should tell you a little more about myself. Um, well…I love exceeds. Have you ever heard of them? They're magical talking cats that can fly. Oh they are so manly! This one time, I even got to help hatch one when I was a kid."

He had to pause as the memory popped into his head. It was before his little sister had disappeared. She and Natsu were playing house, the egg was their baby. He could feel the tears starting to come as it all replayed in his head. "I-it was a happy time! My little sister Lisanna and her friend Natsu had found the egg and one night it was so cold…oh man, sorry about this."

He paused again, reaching for a tissue to dab at his now weeping eyes. "I just get choked up because it was such Manly thing. I-I took the egg and helped them by keeping it warm all night! All by myself! And then the very next day…Oh man! Happy was born! It was the manliest thing I'd ever seen!" He sobbed, tears of happiness streaming down his face. "And that was the same day that my parakeet came back to me! It was so beautiful. I thought I'd lost that bird for forever. I love birds too."

He had to pause the video. He needed to get a hold of himself. He got up and ran to the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face. It really was the coolest day, only second best to the day Lisanna had returned to them. With a final check in the mirror, he returned to his seat and continued on. He was ready to hit this out of the park.

"Ok, sorry that I had to pause. Where was I? Oh, yes. So I'm a bird and exceed lover oh, and I love to transform into beasts with my magic. It's very manly. Did you know the exceeds lost their home in Edolas? That just breaks my heart. I just want to give them all a home. I really love them. They're so…so…" He paused again as he started getting choked up again. _Come on Elfman! Pull it together and be a real man!_ "Sorry I am so emotional just thinking about the exceeds again. But they are so cute, with their little ears and wings."

Reclining back in his chair, he smiled at the webcam. "I just wanna hug all of them. Hugging is manly and OH! If I could bring them all to live here so they all have a home! I could put little bow ties on them. That would be super manly! We could live on a rainbow and I could snuggle with them in my bed because that's manly too!"

A frown pulled at his lips and he sighed as tears sprung to his eyes once more. "But sadly, I can't hug every exceed. I know they set up a village somewhere here. But I just wanna hug them all. Maybe one day I could carry them around in a manly basket. With their little whiskers and their little noses. Exceeds are just so manly! How could anyone not like them? Or parakeets? Parakeets are manly too. But, I can't hug parakeets or exceeds. I might squish them and that isn't manly at all."

He wiped at his eyes and smiled at the webcam. "But that's pretty much it about me. I'm a manly guy who loves exceeds, so much that I wanna hug them but I can't hug all of them. And I love parakeets and turning into beasts. Oh! And I love my sisters too. They're pretty manly too. So…uh…Pick me Evergreen! I am the man for you! We could raise exceeds and have like thirty-three babies and they can have exceeds too!"

Satisfied with his own brilliance, Elfman shut off the webcam as a smug smile settled on his lips. His sisters were going to be so proud of him.

* * *

Mira and Lisanna stared at the screen, their jaws practically on the guild hall floor. Both of them were thinking the exactly same thing. What in the actual fuck was that?

"Elfman I-I..uh." Mira just blinked and looked at her brother, her brain unable to form a proper sentence. Surely he could not think this was good. Unfortunately, she knew by the proud smile he wore, that was exactly what he thought. _Oh my poor idiot brother._ "Are you really sure you want to post this exact video? I mean, we can always do another one."

The white haired man's brow wrinkled in confusion. "What are ya talking about Big Sister? I already posted it!"

"WHAT?" The two strauss women shouted in unison.

He gave a nod and shrugged a large shoulder, a little lost as to their reaction. "Well yea, I wanted to get it out there so tha-"

"ELFMAN STRAUSS!"

All three Strauss siblings turned to see none other than Evergreen storming up to stand in front of the man. Her eyes caught on the laptop screen and she waved her hand towards it. "Would you mind telling me exactly what the hell that crap was? Pick me Evergreen? REALLY?"

Mira frowned when she saw her brother flinch under the brunette's tirade. "Evergreen, that's not very nice. He was ju-"

"Oh I know what he was doing!" The brunette yelled, cutting the oldest white haired mage off. "If you're serious Elf boy, pick me up at my place. 7 o'clock. AND DON'T YOU BE LATE!" She slapped his arm with her fan before storming off once more.

The three blinked before Mira turned to her younger siblings, a delicate hand coming up to scratch at her head. "Did that truly just happen?"

Lisanna watched Evergreen stomp her way up to the second floor, her lips moving long before a word came out. "I-I…uh…Um, yes?"

Elfman blinked a couple of times before a large smile spread over his face. "YES! I've got a manly date with Ever tonight! OH! I gotta go find something really manly to wear and make reservations!" He grabbed for the lap top and went to run out but stopped short. "Lisanna, thanks for suggesting that! My sisters really are the best!"

The two women watched him run out of the guild hall, chuckling when they heard a large shout come from outside. "I'M A REAL MAN!"

* * *

 **And who knows...maybe one day Elfman will get his cat!**

 **As always, please rate, review and follow.**

 **Big Hugs!**

 **Princess Nana**


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